African Goalkeepers - Distance over Direction!!!

OK, you may want to hold your breath here, as I am writing about the subject that many would rather not talk about. You will not catch any SKY pundit coming out with these comments, not because they are ludicrous - but because they are true! You know it, I know it, we all know it - AFRICAN GOALKEEPERS ARE TERRIBLE!!!


The aim of this post is not to ridicule or take snipes at these goalkeepers, but instead maybe to educate, theorise and understand why this is the case. This theory may be used at Universities throughout the world in years to come - I wouldn't bet on it though!!


My theory is simple, African goalkeepers have been matured with an ideology of Distance over Direction. This case study will elaborate on examples of this theory being put into practice...


Case 1: Diving and making saves - We all know that making saves are effectively what a Goalkeeper's main job is (Scott Carson may disagree). But what has always confused me is to why African goalkeepers will purposely get their positioning wrong, just to make sure they have to dive the maximum length possible to make the save! Look at this clip of the comedic Richard Kingson in training, and ask yourself "does he need to jump this high/far?" Just save it mate!! (i'm not even going to get started in the other business that Richard gets up to.)

Case 2: Goal Kicks - when it comes to kicking, it is an area that is becoming more and more essential for top goalkeepers. Keeper such as Reina, Van Der Sar, Robinson, Foster and Hart are valuable assets to their team due to their ability to zip the ball to a player of their choice effortlessly. The African goalkeepers have not quite mastered this skill, with them being unable to pick out a player or area - but are able to smash the ball ridiculously far!! The classic example of this is South Africa's Itumeleng Khune, who's length of drop kick defies belief! I have searched long and hard for this, but YouTube does not have any evidence - which is very disappointing! Just take my word for it.


Case 3 - Form - Once the game has kicked off, an African goalkeeper is either going one way or the other - and will never just take the safe middle road. This means they are either going to have an absolute worldy, or an absolute nightmare!! Everyone knows that the best goalkeepers are those that make very few errors - the Africans do not know this. For example, I bring you Vincent Enyeama. The 2010 World Cup stared with a bang for Nigeria's number one, with him producing goalkeeping heroics to keep Argentina to just the one goal. Big clubs were linked with Enyeama, to which I was very amused. This game was forgotten soon after however when a Vincent Enyeama catastrophe eliminated the Nigeria Super Eagles from the World Cup - we all knew it was coming. Evidence below.

Case 4: Banter - We all know that all footballers like a laugh, and who wouldn't! But its very rare that you see an African goalkeeper coming out as one of the key figures in the changing room, the joker of the pack if you may. Charles Itandje (and he is Cameroonian - not French) tried to change this, and get involved in some harmless banter. Good on you Charles! Unfortunately Charles went the whole distance, yet wrong direction by choosing to do it at the Hillsbrough Disaster anniversary - prompting his swift exit from the club. Evidence below: Silly Silly Boy Charles.

I have to go to work now, so am unable to expand on this article as much as I would like to. I appreciate this is a controversial subject.....fire your criticisms at will!!

The First Rule of Goalkeeping - Don't Change Your Image!!

Throughout the world of sport, many of the worlds sports stars have used an image change or change in attire as a tool to gain themselves media spotlight. Examples such as Sir Becks' various haircuts, Phillips Idowu's multicolour hair, and Usain Bolt's golden shoes have all grabbed media attention - undoubtedly the reaction that each were looking for. As it happens, these examples are all of successful sportsmen; and off the top of my head I cannot think of any instances where it has backfired.

That is, until it comes to Goalkeepers. It seems to me, that every time a goalkeeper makes an outrageous change in their image, be it a beard, a removal of beard, a mental haircut, a pony tail, or a simple change of attire - it seems to backfire. Classic Examples include:

1. Peter Schmeichel's Goatee - undoubtedly the best goalkeeper in the world at this time. During Manchester United's treble winning 99 season, The Great Dane decides to grow a ridiculous goatee beard, an action that amazingly coincided with a slump in form. It is only when the public got used to this beard, that Peter managed to regain his form and help the Red Devils win the Champs Lge.

2. Iker Casillas' beard - I will admit that i have never quite seen the fuss over Spain's World Cup winning goalkeeper and captain (brave comment I know). But it seems to me that his form slumped astonishingly, and my criticisms of him grew stronger as soon as he decided that a beard was the look for him. This may provoke some disagreement - but it is true!

3. Fabien Barthez's removal of the goatee - once again, Barthez was know world over as the worlds best having just won Euro 2000 with France, signed for the biggest club in the world Manchester United and helping them win another Premiership. For some reason, Fabien decided to remove his iconic goatee beard, prompting a series of ridiculous mistakes and ultimately his demise at Old Trafford.

4. David Seaman' Pony Tail - I do not need to go over old wounds here. David 'Safe Hands' Seaman is without doubt the most reliable and consistent goalkeeper I have seen to this day, that was until he grew the infamous pony tail! We all know what happened next. Ronaldinho, and Sikiri meant that David Seaman's England career was effectively over!

5. David James' side parting - David James has always been an extroverted figure, and has never been afraid to face the media spotlight. But as a goalkeeper that has never quite shaken off his 'calamity James' tagline, why would he create more pressure on himself with a ridiculous side parting!! Whilst I cannot find video evidence of this, I clearly remember Jamo being responsible for one of the goals during this period. James did eventually pick up his form, strangely when he reverted back to his normal haircut. 

6. Paul Jones' 50th Cap Hair Cut - This is the classic example of what not to do if you are a goalkeeper. Every goalkeeper should use this as a warning. Steady, reliable, and experienced goalkeeper Paul Jones is set to win his 50th cap for Wales against minnows Cyprus in front of his home fans at the Millennium Stadium. To celebrate his pride of reaching this landmark, Jones decides to shave a ridiculous Dragon along with the number 50 in to his hair. Surely not a problem against Cyprus?? Wales go on to lose 5-1, and Jones has an absolute stinker - a lesson to all!!

I am sure there are more examples of these instances, yet I do not have all day to continue writing!! So listen all goalkeepers - get comfortable with your image, and stick to it! Think Ian Walker - and you wont go far wrong!!

Don't get your hopes up Arsenal Fans, Szczesny is not the answer!!

As an Goalkeeper enthusiast, even I have looked at the Arsenal number 53. Wojciech Szczesny (which is a nightmare to type) and thought "this guy has it all". Which I still stand by to an extent. This is in despite of my complete irrational hatred towards Arsenal Football Club, and every single player that has ever worn their shirt. But this is another story for another time. It is without doubt that Szczesny has all the physical attributes to succeed in replacing the great David Seaman.

However, this will not be the case. This post may well come back to haunt me if Szczesny becomes one of the worlds great keepers, but I am 150% sure that he will not. Why? With the risk of sounding racist or against a certain nation, because he is Polish!
I challenge anybody who reads this post to name me a goalkeeper who has owned his clubs number 1 shirt, flourished with it, and been one of those 'world class' goalkeepers in which mistakes are a rarity! Those who play football will know what I mean when I say that I am looking for a 'centre half's goalkeeper'! As opposed to the Jekyll and Hyde Poles.
I have complete confidence in the fact that Szczesny will follow the likes of Boruc, Kuszczak (yes, I am aware that he did do one of the greatest saves of all time), Fabianski, Zaluska and the old relic Miklosko. All of which are a defenders nightmare, and above all a goalkeeping liability. Examples of  this hot and cold nature can be seen below.

        

These are examples of exactly why Szczesny can not be expected to fill Sir David Seaman's gloves, and will before long just be a steady bench-warmer! All comments welcome, I appreciate that this is a controversial perspective, but bear in mind that whatever you comment - i will most probably still be right!!